[headline_arial_large_centered color=”#CC0000″]Are you tired of yelling and screaming at your kids to get them to listen, pay attention and behave?[/headline_arial_large_centered]
If you want to stop begging, pleading, bribing, yelling, or screaming at your kids then this could be the most important video you ever watch. In this video, I will discuss a “Scream-Free Approach” to parenting that forever changed how I responded to difficult behavior with my kids.
You see, when I first became a parent 9 years ago, I was completely unprepared for how my own behavior was going to be challenged. As a life coach, I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on life skills training so that I could help others get what they want.
Then, as the behavior got more difficult to manage, I found that yelling became an every day habit. I quickly became discouraged and my confidence as a parent plummeted. I felt horrible about having to resort to yelling and screaming to deal with behavior.
Something HAD to change …
My wife and I made a decision that we wanted parenting to be positive experience. We wanted to feel good about how we raised our kids and we wanted our kids to feel good about how we raised them.
So I literally read every book, took every online course, and attended every workshop that I could spend my hard earned money on.
I started this journey to find solutions to my own parenting issues and challenging child behavior. Not only did I find some amazing and extremely powerful positive parenting techniques… But I found myself telling other parents about it and eventually became a parent educator and support group leader.
In this video, I will share with you the 6 lessons I had to learn to finally feel good about parenting and to confidently deal with difficult behavior …
The Secret To Scream-Free Parenting
So the first thing that I needed to learn and to understand was the difference between positive discipline. It’s not something I really thought about. I was really parenting on auto-pilot, which a lot of us do, whether we realize it or not. We all have one; our brains are programmed to play back what was done to us. Right? So we either do what was done to us or we rebel against it and we go completely 180 degrees the other way. However we respond, we are programmed by our life experiences – most of which are put in place before the time we turn 18 – simply by the way we were raised and what our perceptions of parenting look like.
First of all, you need to know the difference between positive and negative discipline. What is negative discipline? We define negative discipline as being: any technique that leaves the child feeling bad about themselves.
So any technique that leaves them feeling bad about themselves is negative discipline. Any technique that is based on fear, such as taking things away time out. Spanking is another example of a fear-based punishment. Fearing the consequences, fearing the pain.
There’s also obligation to obey. Think about any time you have ever done something out of obligation. How does it feel? Does it feel good? Did you feel happy about it? Or did it make you feel bad? So obligation to obey also falls under the category of negative discipline. Any type of discipline that serves to lower self-esteem and to lower self-confidence is under the category of negative discipline.
Why Is It So Easy To Use Negative Discipline Methods?
There are some payoffs to this negative discipline. There is a reason why so many of us start using these techniques completely on auto-pilot, or in some cases, parents believe this is the only way to go. The reason negative discipline works is because it can actually give you instant relief from bad behavior, at least in the short term. That’s not to say that it won’t escalate down the road, but we start to believe that yelling, screaming, taking things away, doing time out – we start to believe that they work because they give us an instant relief from the bad behavior.
If the child is misbehaving and we yell and they stop that behavior instantly, then we start to believe that it works. We start to believe that that’s the best and only way to go. This is why it’s so automatic and easy to fall into this mode. It can seem to take less time. If the child is misbehaving and I yell and they correct themselves instantly and the behavior stops, then that was very, very quick.
You can contrast this with a positive method that might take longer. If you were to get down on your knees, down to their level and have a conversation with them and have a teaching moment, that could take a lot more time. In fact, in some cases, depending on what it is you’re trying to teach or train, it could take ten times as long to do it in a positive fashion, versus just yelling at them to get them to stop.
It’s a time saver, and we live in a world where time savers tend to win over out of every other technique. This is a mindset that can be seen all over the place in life. Look, for example, at technology. Look at how the whole modern world works. It has gotten so busy and so fast that we need to save time. So yes, it can seem to save time to just yell or to take things away or use time out. Not only that, but that technique is familiar. It’s what other people are doing, it’s what people talk about at school, it’s what was done with us.
When I was a child, if you did something wrong, you got yelled at. You got punished, you had things taken away. And in the ’70s, yes, we got spanked. That was just the way it was. Everyone was doing it. It’s what was familiar.
If that’s negative discipline … what is positive discipline?
Positive discipline is just the opposite. It’s any technique that leaves the child feeling good about themselves. It’s based on choices instead of being based on fear. Giving the child choices. It’s also based on natural consequences. Life has a way of teaching us what we need to know. As parents, we don’t need to force that into our children. They will learn.
For example, we want them to wear their jacket because it’s cold outside. They don’t want to wear their jacket. Well, what’s the harm? Let them go outside, let them experience what it is to be cold, and then to choose to put on their jacket in the future. Once they start to put on their jacket because they know it’s cold outside, you’ll never have to remind them again. They will do it on their own because they’ve learned that. Again, it’s based on choices and natural consequences. When you do this, it raises their self-esteem and confidence. They start to feel good about themselves. There are so many more things that they can do now that you’ve given them that boost. Their grades go up, they do better in school, they want to do better. Most kids, whether treated with negative or positive discipline, all they’re trying to do is please their parents. They want you to think good.
But imagine how much better they could be doing if they felt good about life, about themselves. I remember one of my teachers saying to me, “Who said that in order for a child to do better, you must make them feel worse?” Where is the logic in that? Positive discipline is about building up their confidence, building up their self-esteem and allowing them to learn through choices they make and natural consequences. And there some benefits to positive discipline as well. When the kids feel better about themselves, they will want to do better. The keyword there is want. They will want to do better.
Consequently, you will feel better about yourself and your skills as a parent for fostering that sort of growth in your kid by way of positive discipline. When you see your child doing well, you can look at that with a sense of accomplishment and pride. Not only that, but your relationship with your kid is going to be so much better because of it. Also, children learn valuable life skills that help them to become responsible adults and that’s really what we’re doing, isn’t it? We’re teaching them how to be human beings. We’re teaching them how to get on in the world. Finally, your relationship with your kid will be happier. And isn’t that what everyone wants? To have a positive and happy relationship with their child?
Positive discipline is definitely worth the time and the effort. The problem is we have to learn some things in order to make it work. And again it can be harder and there might be some retraining that needs to go on. But once we learn this and we start putting this into place, some interesting things start to happen. Some reoccurring problems that seemed to be nagging, simply aren’t there anymore.